So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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