I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
