My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
