You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
