I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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