He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
