True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
