I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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