He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
