so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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