Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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