i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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