final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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