he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
