it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
