People with herpes should wear stickers.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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