well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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