my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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