no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
