Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
