Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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