K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
