doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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