i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
