Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
