Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
