just come out here and I will go home with you...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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