Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
