when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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