i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
