Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
