Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
