Just fell off a train. Bad.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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