I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
