Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
