why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
