Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
