I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
