and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
