This dress was meant to end up on your floor
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
