Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
