Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
