If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
