I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
