So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
