I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
