Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
