she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize