Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
