WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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