If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
