I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
