i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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