Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize