I wish I could teleport
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
