woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
