....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
