don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
